Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to all of you out there. Those that follow me & those that will in the future.

How was your day? Was it filled with love? Did you get nice gifts? Did you spend a romantic evening at home? Did you spend it alone? Did you pamper yourself? Did you spend it with your kids? Did you get proposed to? Did you get stood up? Did he cut his phone off? Are your going to celebrate your Valentine’s Day tomorrow? Is he about to come late night? πŸ‘€

I know those are a lot of scenarios but those are real life ones. As for me, I spent mine with my kids and then had a few glasses of wine with my good neighbor. Guess you can clearly tell that we’re both single πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

But guess what????

This Valentines I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t wishing I had a boo. I didn’t get jealous looking at other couples. I’m grateful for that, because last Valentine’s Day was rough. I was so sad. I was sad even when I seen fathers share moments with their daughters/children. Why? Because it reminded me of the family that I so badly wanted but didn’t have. It reminded me that I’m a single mother and don’t know what it feels like to experience those sweet moments. It reminded me that every guy I ever loved/lusted kicked me to the curb πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

But this Valentines Day I had peace. Peace that one day I will have that husband and family life that I desire. That right now is just not the right time. God still has a lot of work to do in me. Healing…. major healing. He knows that whatever man he puts in my life is going to have to be a special kind. Isn’t that great? How God cares about the smallest details? That in itself is worth the wait.

Now don’t get me wrong, yes I still do want love, I still want to be married and all those good things, but honestly I might not even know what to do with a husband right now if God gave him to me.

See, I’m used to being by myself. I’m used to getting treated like dirt. I’m used to being able to just cut them off to protect me. I’m used to hitting that block button in my iPhone when I feel like I’ve been tried. I’ve become so used to the bad that good would seem so foreign to me.

Love is beautiful but at times it actually scares the crap out of me. Right now, if I got proposed to, when the time actually came, I’d probably be a run away bride.

Life has shaped some unhealthy experiences within me, and relationships with others is a big area.

So I will gladly use this time to get me right so that I can be ready when that man comes along for me.

In due time.

Now, I know I wrote this post to tell you all Happy Valentine’s Day, but all that was just on my heart to say.

Maybe someone else needed to read this, to have faith, to accept the fact that they’re single for a reason, and when it’s their time it’ll be their time and nothing can come between it.

I know it’s hard ladies, all of our lives we have put in our minds and hearts that what we’re supposed to do is fall in love, get married and have a family. And that’s not a bad thing to hope for, but we just have to be patient.

We have to stop giving the wrong men chances, stop settling, stop giving wife benefits to men who don’t even deserve to be in our presence. And instead of letting it make us bitter that we’ve wasted a big deal of our lives doing so, let it make you better.

Let it teach you what not to do or tolerate. Let it teach you how to love you. Let it push you deeper into the love of God.

I love you all. Be blessed πŸ₯°

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Message to my new followers

Well….. if you’re new to following my blog and haven’t had the opportunity to read my past blogs, let me give you the tea on me.

I suffer from depression, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) according to the psychiatrist, but I did not go to counseling that long for them to fully know me cause I know for a fact I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and a few other things πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ speaking of which I’ll explain in another blog why I didn’t attend counseling for that long.

So any who, if you were to read my blogs I might confuse you just a tad. One moment I’m so positive so full of life, hopeful, optimistic, faith level on 5,000, and then the next minute I’m sitting here pouring my heart out feeling like I just want to pull the plug on my life πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ well, welcome to the life of someone who faces mental health challenges.

Everyday isn’t sunshine, nor is it always hail storms. I go from different moods. My lenses that I view life with are forever changing. Sometimes I have control, other times I don’t. Sometimes I smile, other times I don’t. Sometimes I want to give up, other times that the furthest thing from my mind.

Reading my blogs you just may feel like you’ve got on an emotional roller coaster, but that’s the authenticity of me. I’m not perfect. I don’t have this life thing figured out. But one thing is for sure, you will always be encouraged. Even if my blogs sounds like they are coming from the pits, you’d still be encouraged to know that you aren’t alone. That I too, we too, men, women, children, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, gay, straight, trans, no matter what race or sexual orientation, there’s someone out here going through and or have been through what you’re going through.

You’ll find encouragement reading things you feel but feel uncomfortable speaking on. Even when I don’t see the light lit up in my life, I’m sure that it’ll shine bright just enough for you to see your way out of the darkness you’re in. And I believe that’s why we’re put here in this earth, to be a light to someone else, even when we can’t be that light to ourselves, cause guess what? There will always be someone else’s light who shines bright enough for us to see our way out.

I just wanted to get that out for my new followers, so you won’t be reading my blogs like this is one “bipolar [insert your own word]” cause I know my life be all over sometimes πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ but hey, welcome to my life, this is me, Erica Marie πŸ’πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Lifeless

Sometimes there’s an overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Just a big black hole. Life drained from you. You search for things to make you happy. To make you feel alive. To make you feel something, anything. But those feelings are fleeting. They don’t really make you happy and they leave you feeling just as empty as you started.

You find yourself thinking about death. While driving, you imagine slamming your car into a pole, but no, you know that wouldn’t kill you and all it would do is leave you with a wrecked car, fines, maybe a bit bruised, and most of all embarrassed. That’s too risky. You’re too chicken to cut or hang yourself. Lord knows you’ve tried the pills thing before..that didn’t work.

You ask God why he’s keeping you here. Why he’s torturing you. You find no answer. For a purpose they say, but you don’t even see a purpose. You can’t even dream a purpose, those dreams have been long gone, just a thing of the past.

Sex, alcohol, hobbies, reading the Bible, watching sermons, you try everything, but still NOTHING.

Empty inside. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Confused. Lost. Let down. Discouraged.

You don’t even know what it feels like to be happy. Everything that you tried to do to bring you happiness just somehow ended up bringing more pain.

You don’t hope anymore. You hardly put up a fight. You fight just enough to wake up the next day and just exist. And through it all, no one sees your pain. No one knows you’re in pain. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t even care anyway.

……. to be continued

How does God choose his soldiers?

Have you ever wondered how God chooses people to go through whatever situation, be it good or bad, that they do?

Well, I always find myself wondering HOW?

Being 31 I have this internal and mental clock that tells me time is running out. That I need to hurry up and get my ish together. Never mind the voices that tell me that I should’ve been had it together. But nonetheless, I feel the clock ticking with no idea when time will stop.

I look at my life and the life of others who were great people, and I say to myself, if God can call them to their grave, what the heck is stopping him from calling me to mine?

Im not perfect. I screw up…. ALOT!

I have ways in me that are so far from being Christ like, my heart has become hardened, I hate human connection sometimes, my temper is still hot, and a list of many many things which have stemmed from my childhood. But that’s another story in itself.

So if I’m here, as screwed up as I am, still living, still breathing, still blessed, still protected. WHY?

Why do he take good people from this earth, but keep the tare among the good seeds here?

Is it wrong that I question that? I mean I know that I’m nowhere near the worst, but I’m definitely no where the best either.

But despite all of my shortcomings, God still saves me. He still keeps me. He still loves me even after all the times I rebelled against him. After the 2 times I tried to end my own life, and all the times that I sat and thought of how much I wanted to give up this life. No matter how broken I am. He still finds a purpose for little ol me to continue on in this world for just a while longer.

My spiritual journey

If you’ve watched Married To Medicine, then you’d be very familiar with the term ‘spiritual journey’. Dr. Heavenly has been on her spiritual journey through several seasons πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and guess what?? I can so relate.

I’ve been on this spiritual journey for about 3 years now. I fall get back up, crash, get back up, cha-cha slide, get back up, drop, get back up and the cycle continues. And if I can be completely honest, the main factor in my backsliding is men!

Yep, there I said it!

It’s like I’m always doing so good and then I’ll meet a guy and in my twisted, low self esteem thinking, I feel as though, what if this is the guy that God has for me. Then I find myself trying to help God out 😎. Like if I don’t talk to this dude then I’ll miss out on him. God will understand. God will forgive me. Look how many people had sex before marriage, their marriage turned out ok. I really be trying to think of anything to justify my sin. πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

And guess what??

It NEVER works! Ever!!!

Then by the time I realize that Mr. Wrong is nowhere near close to Mr. Right, I’m already knee deep in my sin and he knee deep in me and by that time I feel like oh well, I already messed up, may as well just stick with him.

Jacked up thinking isn’t it?

But every single time I always end up back at square one. By myself, no ring, no last name, another body added to my list, and me begging God to help me out of my mess and stay focused on Him.

I mean it’s like literally a cycle that goes around and around and around.

Sometimes I go to feeling like I just can’t do this God stuff. It’s too hard, but deep down there is still that mustard seed size faith in me that believes that ONE DAY I will finally get it right before God comes back for my soul.

This spiritual journey thing is no piece of cake nor is it a walk in the park. I’m probably like the Israelites who were wandering for 40 years. I’m 31… you see where I’m headed with this?

I’ll be the first to tell you that I need to get my πŸ’© together! Completely.

I’m being transparent in hopes that whoever you are reading this will know that you aren’t alone in this walk. Our temptation may be different or it may be the same, but keep praying and keep pushing honey, God ain’t through with us yet. But we better get right before he mess around and lock us out of them pearly gates.

Married To Medicine Season 6

Ok so let’s start here by saying that I missed my girls sooooooooo much!!!!!!

You see, we gone be really real. I didn’t have cable, so I had been missing out on the entire season all the way up to the very last episode as of today, which is episode 12.

But there is a God πŸ™ŒπŸΎ I have cable again, and in 2 days I caught up to everything! And that’s why we’re here.

This season is just off the chain. Toya going through a midlife crisis and Mariah acting like a wild wild witch of the west, I can’t deal.

By far, I would have to say my top 3 fav women are Dr. Heavenly, Dr. Jackie, & Quad. I just love them.

But let’s get into this tea

First up, Mrs. Toya

I liked her on previous seasons, but on this season I just cannot stand her! If I was friends with her, I’m sure that this would’ve been the season where our friendship fell apart. See, I’m an introvert, so her guidelines for a friendship would be just too much for me to handle.

She acts like people don’t have anything else going on in life. I get it, as a friend you want your friend to confide in you, show up for events, be there to lean on your shoulder when they’re going through tough times, but let’s face it, people need space and room to breath sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good friend.

We all have ways in which we cope and deal with things. Just because were great friends and have been friends for a long time, it doesn’t mean that we’re exactly alike. Just give people room Toya girl, it’ll be ok!

Mrs. Mariah

I’ve never really been a big fan of Mariah. I can’t see too much of a genuine spirit in her, I can hardly see it when she’s dealing with her husband, but maybe that’s just my observations πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ.

She is too messy, too negative, and point blank, I hope they eradicate her from the show… indefinitely. I can surely live without watching her.

I can’t even give her any more time in this article.

Mrs. Quad

Let me say right now, Mrs. Quad is EVERYTHING!!!!! Her shape is something bad!!! I definitely see why Mr. Greg wifed her up!

I felt so sorry for my baby. She going through so much and the ladies are being so selfish. I feel like they just want to know first hand all the details, and then her well being is 2nd. Say what you want, but that’s how I see it.

They’re too consumed with why she ain’t coming around talking to them, telling them details, etc. for heavens sake, give her some time. When she gets ready she will come around. And then the fact of how y’all try to get y’all point across, baabbyyyyy listen! I wouldn’t have a “friend” on that show left if I was Mrs. Quad.

Keep your head up beautiful, the sun will shine again if it ain’t already shining.

Dr. Heavenly

I’ve always loved Dr. Heavenly. I think she truly means well and people just can’t handle her. However, I can say that she has a few petty bones of her own πŸ˜‚.

Her shade still has the sun beaming down on you bout to set you on fire πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I love Heavenly, but she gotta stop with them “yo mama” jokes, however, to me, yo mama just sounds like a kindergartner rebuttal. It’s only when she goes in deep with specifics does it become over the line.

But Heavenly is Heavenly, and honestly I feel like we’re on the same spiritual journey. Been on it for so long and has had to start over hundreds of times.

Here’s a toast to both of our spiritual journeys πŸ₯‚

Dr. Jackie

I love Dr. Jackie πŸ₯° but what I love most about this season, is the way that she and Curtis have made their marriage work and the bond that they share. I’m sure they still have work to do, but you can definitely tell that the love is there. For example, look at this picture I took while watching the show.

Do you see the look in her eyes and that smile on her face when he was telling her what to wear for their surprise outing. This look is like the look of a woman feeling like a high school girl all over again.

I’m happy for her, for him, for their family. πŸ–€ black love