As the world turns…

Sometimes I think that my life could really be a soap opera, especially my love life 🤦🏾‍♀️ I could really put this shit on a TV screen. **sigh**

Well, on the latest episode of As the world turns in Erica’s life, let me tell y’all how ya girl is back single… probably was single to begin with but that’s neither here nor there.

WARNING ‼️ ⚠️ YOU WILL READ CURSE WORDS SO IF YOU’RE SENSITIVE TO CURSE WORDS THEN YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ PAST THIS 😆

Ok so let’s proceed.

Y’all I got bamboozeled. I got swindled. I got lied to. I got manipulated. Plain and simple I got played. REAL PLAYED 🤦🏾‍♀️

Get ya 🍿 ladies and gentlemen cause this is about to blow you away.

I’m going to start with the end and kind of piggy back off of that.

Here we go….

So last Monday my car broke down. It was running hot. Monday night when it was running hot I text my “man” and I was like I was trying to ask if you knew any reasons my car would be running hot.

NO RESPONSE!

So I waited. I called.

NO ANSWER!

But he text 🙄 that he couldn’t talk at the moment and he would hit me back later.

Mind you it’s like 11 pm.

So me being me like damn I just had a question about my car but I guess you don’t care.

No reply.

So I text you don’t know if me and my kids are stranded or not.

No reply!

At that point I’m just like fuck it. Ok. I made it home went to sleep but boy oh boy I couldn’t wait to wake up and hear his excuse.

Morning came he called. We talked he explained his excuse. That was that.

I dropped my car off to the shop and when I got the call of what was wrong, I called my “man” and asked him if he would help me get my car fixed. He said yea 🙄

Wednesday came, we got into a little mini argument. Nothing too big. He hung up on me and he said that he wasn’t mad at me, he just didn’t feel like being bothered.

Ok 👌🏾 whatever.

Later that evening I text him and asked if he was still planning on helping me with my car.

No reply.

Thursday came, that was the day my car was set to be ready. So that morning I text him like hey my car is ready are you still helping me, I text you yesterday you didn’t respond just seeing what’s up.

No reply. But when I called he sent me to voicemail and text me, “I’ll call you”

Ok. I let a few hours go by.

At this point it’s around 11 am.

I called him and guess the fuck what????

My number was blocked ‼️

So ya girl got a call/text app. I called him from that number it rung 😳😳😳😳😳

He answered. I’m like are you still going to help me with my car and why am I blocked?? Like I explained the money that I had to pay to get my car fixed was actually to be used to get my kids school things for back to school not even mentioning I hadn’t payed the bills yet. Anything could’ve helped.

He goes on to say, “so you still trying to force me to to talk to you”. Hold up what??? How is that trying to force you to talk to me? I’m calling to see if you’re still helping me with my car that’s a simple yes or no.

So he hung up blocked that number.

So what did I do? I proceeded to text and I mean textttttttt and write paragraphs saying what I felt and what I had to say cause when I’m pissed that’s just what I have the propensity to do. I feel like if you’re going to be ignorant then I am too 🤷🏾‍♀️

So I text, I called. He picked up some calls still made it seem like I was trying to force him to talk to me after he said he didn’t want to be bothered.

How sway? How???? Make it make sense.

Fast forward….

I cried y’all. I was in a real vulnerable place. I felt like my whole world had come to an end and for a moment I wanted to end it… all of it. For my car to break down, for him to block me when I really needed him. Wheewwwww.

Today is Tuesday. I am STILL BLOCKED! He has ignored every text, every call. When I call from a different number and he answers, soon as he hears my voice he hangs up 😂🤦🏾‍♀️

So basically all this time everything was a lie. The we’re getting married. LIES! How he loved me. LIES! All the shit was liesssssss. Big freaking lies.

He just didn’t want to help me and he used that as a way of escape. I’ve come to the conclusion that it was just about sex. He had no intentions on marrying me or any of that. When I needed him he showed his true colors.

This is just 1 part of the story. There will be a part 2 maybe even a part 3 about the things that happened in the “relationship” before it got to this point.

I can’t lie y’all, I’m hurt. But as the days go by it hurts a little less. To be lied to like that and just tried like that! 🤦🏾‍♀️💔 man oh man.

The good thing though, is that my car is fixed and I still have my kids school things taken care of and the bills. My blessings always come. God never just leaves me to the wolves, EVER!

Guess it true when they say put your trust in a higher power and not in man cause man will let you down EVERY SINGLE TIME ‼️

Stay tuned for part 2.

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Don’t expect YOU out of someone else.

Not expecting ME out of the person in my life is one lesson I guess I am still learning.

A very tough lesson. And quite unfair if I must say.

It’s hard to just accept the actions of another person who claims to love you, when you know if it were you, your actions would be very different.

It’s hard to accept the actions of another person when you have given them your all. Every part of you. Pieces of you that you didn’t even know existed. Pieces that you had to reach deep within yourself to pull up…

But. You. Did. It!

It’s hard to accept the “I’m busy”, when if it were you, you don’t care how busy you were, you would create the time for that person.

It’s hard to accept I don’t want to be bothered, when on the other hand that one person lights up your world and you can’t even imagine the day you wouldn’t feel like being bothered by them.

It’s hard to accept the no when damn near any and everything they ask of you is yes.

It’s hard to accept that no matter how big and pure your heart may be, they’re heart don’t pump the same as yours.

It’s hard to accept that they will probably never love you the way you love them. It’s hard to accept that you just have to deal with it.

We enter into relationships thinking and expecting our partner to treat us just as good as we treat them, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. And unfortunately it’s pretty fucked up.

Long story short, don’t expect the YOU out of someone else!!!

Dissolving the dream

Every moment of our life we dream. We dream as we go about our day, we dream as we sit in deep thought, we dream when we close our eyes at night. There’s only but a thin line between dream and reality.

We dream up all sorts of beautiful images. We dream up awful images. We dream up what if scenarios. Maybe scenarios. We dream up whatever our minds can think about.

We dream of the perfect lover. We dream of the perfect life. We dream of worse case scenarios. We dream to escape from the dreams that have come true, no matter good or bad.

We dream to make our situation better. We dream to make our situations worse. We dream to feel alive. We dream to escape the pain. We dream of better days.

So many things we dream.

BUT…

What happens when you’ve dreamed of something that doesn’t come out the way you had hoped? What happens when you’ve dreamed of the perfect relationship with the perfect person and you find out that nothing was real, just merely a dream?

What do you do when you have to live with not only your dreams but their dreams as well, which in turn makes their dream your reality? What happens when you let their dreams control yours and you push your dreams aside to fall in sync with their dreams?

Where does all those dreams go?

What happens when you’re forced to let go of every dream you’ve had even when you want to continue to dream the dream that was once so beautiful and sweet?

What happens when your dreams have now turned into nightmares? Painful nightmares. Scary nightmares?

What do you do?

What do you do when your dream was the one to turn a terrible situation around and make it appear to be the most beautiful thing, but it still ended up being just as terrible as you once saw it?

There comes a point when all dreams will dissolve, and it can be for better or worse. There will come a day when you’ll have to accept that the dream you had for so long just isn’t real. There will come a day when you realize that the negative dreams were not at all true. That there was a dream on the other side of that, that you could never imagine possible.

All dreams must dissolve eventually.

It can be pretty fucking painful or it can be pretty fucking amazing.

This very moment is merely a dream. A moment in which you will awaken from and ask yourself just how long have you been dreaming.

Happiness

If there’s one thing that I could kick my own self in the ass for if I had the chance, it would most definitely be for believing that happiness was a destination 🤦🏾‍♀️

For some reason, as we grow from being a kid to an adult we have this notion, (and I’m not sure where it comes from) that after we do all of these amazing things we have on our bucket lists, that then we will FINALLY be HAPPY!

But….

As I’ve grown, I’ve come to find out that that’s so far from the truth and I can only wish I had dispelled that lie sooner.

See, for the longest I was depressed. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted out of life. At one point I think I even stopped wanting anything out of life. Seemed like the more I tried to get to that end of the road called happiness the worse I felt. I tried everything to get to happiness. I tried church. I tried relationships. I tried going out to clubs. I tried drinking my problems away. I tried to change myself. I thought that if I was more of this or more of that, that if I did more or less of this or that, that finally I would be happy.

BUT GUESS WHAT?!?!?

It never freakin worked!

No matter what I tried, nothing worked. I would get so mad at myself. I would feel so defeated. I would look at others lives and compare myself to them, wondering what I was doing so wrong? Why couldn’t I just be happy?

But then…

After learning myself. Finding myself. Loving myself. Getting to know who Erica really was. I found out that happiness isn’t a destination after all. Happiness is a process. It’s a journey. It’s never ending.

Happiness is something that you make the conscious choice everyday to be. Even when it hurts. Even when you may be going through hell. Even when it feels that nothing is going right. You can always choose to BE happy.

Now, instead of thinking that my happiness comes from something outside of me, I realize that happiness is within me. I can be happy even if I don’t have all that I think I should or be all that I know I could be. I be can happy with $1 or $1000. I can be happy with a man or without a man (although I don’t even want to imagine being without my wonderful, bald head fine, sexy, smart, wise, amazing man)… you get my drift!

Now that I know what I know, life is so much easier. I don’t feel all that pressure that I was putting on myself. I look at everyday as a new day to be happy. And everyday I try my absolute best to make the choice to be happy. Now don’t get me wrong, you may have some days where it’s a bit hard to be happy. And let’s face it, you may have a day where something is going on in your life that you just don’t even want to be happy, you want to just wallow in your problems and pain, and sometimes that’s necessary, but always remember happiness is your choice. It’s a present moment experience.

Why limit yourself into believing that if you do A, B, C, D, and 1, 2, 3 that then and only then will you be happy???

Be happy today‼️ Right here and right now‼️ Happiness is yours ALREADY‼️

I challenge you. Everyday find something to be happy for. Everyday when those negative thoughts try to creep in and make you feel that you aren’t happy or that you aren’t enough, replace all of those lies with a statement of the opposite, and always in the present.

Example:

YOUR MIND SAYS: I’ll never be happy.

YOU SAY: I am happy

NOT: I will be happy. One day I’ll be happy.

I AM HAPPY‼️

With just that exercise watch how your life and thoughts transform. Watch how the lie you’ve believed all this time will fade away.

Letter to the old me

Hey you. It’s been a while since we’ve kicked it. I’ve been doing some thinking, and figured I’d write you a letter.

I sit here thinking of all the times we’ve shared. All the things that we’ve been through. The ups, the downs, the hurts, the traumas, the happiness, the joy, all the things that were meant to destroy us, but we survived, or shall I say I survived.

And it’s not to take credit from you, cause it was you who got us through, but I have to take it from here.

See you were the one to protect us. You were the one who always had to fight, to be strong, to wear a brave face, and I was the one who had to hide behind it all. I was the one who suffered.

Still, I’m not placing blame on you.

I get it. I understand. I promise, I really do.

But the grown me and the little you, there’s no way we can still coexist.

I’m all about peace, love, light, happiness, joy, all the things that are beautiful. You like to be the victim and replay all the bad things.

You’re angry, mean, bitter, unhealed, unloving, there’s just no light in you.

But I’ve found light in me. And that’s why we just can no longer be.

If I let you stay, you’ll forever haunt me. You’ll torture me. Your voice is the one that says the meanest things about us. You’re actually quite dangerous.

So I’m here to tell you I love you. I truly do. And I forgive you. For all the things that you didn’t know. I even forgive you for the things you did know and still chose to do. I forgive you for being weak, for not thinking we were good enough. I forgive you for holding on to every single hurt and pain that’s ever happened to us. I forgive you for thinking that this world would be better without us, or shall I say better without me.

I forgive you for the mistakes. I forgive you for the pain you inflicted upon us. And with that forgiveness I also have to say my goodbyes.

I have to close the door on you once and for all. Cause if I don’t, I’ll never live life to the fullest. I’ll never accomplish my goals. I’ll never have peace in my soul.

And I refuse to have that be life for me.

So I hope that you will someday find the happiness that I’ve found. I hope that you can be free. Wherever lost souls go, I pray that you will ultimately find your way.

Please don’t be mad at me and feel like I’ve abandoned and rejected you. I had to make this decision for the both of us, and trust me at first it was a little hard. But I know that you’ll be okay. You’re a strong one.

I love you. I release you.

Signed yours truly,

The new me 💋

Nice girls finish last.

You always hear the term that nice guys finish last.. well….. does that also hold true for women? Do nice girls finish last as well?

I say that because everywhere you read and videos all across YouTube seem to have the same concept in mind. And basically it’s that nice girls do in fact finish last. If they even finish at all.

I remember being in high school and going to the library checking out a book titled, Why Men Love B*tches. In the book it had a bunch of tactics to use in order to get a man to fall head over heels in love with you. Much like the articles and videos today, it was all about mind games and manipulation.

And guess what???

I hate to say it, but it does work.

However, with me being me, the emotional, wearing her heart on her sleeve, happily ever after Leo woman that I am, I just don’t have it in me to play mind games. I figure what’s the use? If I like you why do I have to pretend not to. Why do I have to ignore you on purpose to make you like me more? Why do I have to pretend to be busy just to pique your interest? Why do I have to see your text but purposely reply 3 hours later to keep you guessing?

I could never figure out those things, but the older I get and looking back at previous relationships and situation-ships, I can see the picture.

See, men say that they want a good woman who’s all about them, loyal, kind, nurturing, with them through thick and thin, has their back, uplift them, encourage them, motivate them, all the wonderful traits of an amazing woman, yet what they really desire is a woman who acts the total opposite. You know, the woman who acts like she isn’t even interested in them.

Why is that?

From what I’ve read a countless number of times, it’s about the chase, the thrill, and if you twist it around and look at it from a woman’s perspective, ladies that’s how some of us are as well. The irony.

Maybe in my mind, my reality, I live in this perfect world where people would be themselves, honest, and love people for them. That there would be no need for mind games, that you being you would be enough.

But is that really enough?

Then one thing that I’ve read and several times lately, even from men, is that dudes fall in love with you by what they do for you. Basically the investment they put into you is what makes them fall in love. So does that mean if they aren’t spending money on you, doing things for you, or buying you things, that they don’t love you or care about you?

What is it that makes the woman who asks for money and things worth more and labeled as more valuable than the woman that doesn’t?

I’ve never been the type to ask a dude for money or things because I figure, for one it should kind of come automatically, they should know, they should want to… shouldn’t they?

Call me old fashioned, but I love the simplicity in relationships. Why does everything have to be about mind games and manipulation? Like a game of chess. Why does it have to be so complicated?

Why is it that the good, loyal, genuine, no ill intent or hidden agendas kind of women get screwed over while the other type get put on a pedestal?

What’s wrong with that picture?

Does it ultimately say that people really like to get treated kind of crappy while still craving integrity?

No wonder so many people are single. Dating has become so complicated. Few people are genuine. Few people really want love. The kind of love they look for is really not love at all, and that’s what makes it so difficult. Just a bunch of people with ego driven hearts, minds, and emotions. And until we as a people relearn what true love is, well I guess nice girls (and guys too) will always finish last.

Today I swallowed

Today I swallowed.

I closed my eyes and swallowed when I really wanted to spit.

I wanted to spit out all that was in my heart.

I swallowed that scream from the pit of my soul that tried to rise as the tears fell.

I swallowed the words I wanted to say.

I swallowed the emotions that I felt.

I tried to force them away.

I swallowed my thoughts that tried to take over.

The thoughts that tried to make sense, of the common sense, I think I swallowed so long ago.

I know they say communication is key, but I rather just swallow the whole conversation cause I don’t know what the key will unlock.

See, I fear that you’ll take my concerns as me nagging or complaining.

So I’ve learned to just swallow all that I sometimes want to say.

When thoughts creep in my mind that questions everything that I see, I swallow those thoughts cause I don’t want to disturb my reality.

I put on my rose colored glasses that allows me to see only the beauty, cause I’m afraid of the things I’d see without them.

I question the love you say you have for me cause I can’t quite put a finger on it.

It’s like I’m feeling for it through the dark and I keep bumping into things, but none of them is your heart.

I love you and I have to love me twice as hard, cause if I love me enough I’ll possibly feel the love for me that I wish I could feel from you.

But I never a say a word. Yep I swallow that too.

When I’m alone in bed at night I wish you were next to me.

Such a distance between you and I.

I try to close it, you open it more.

Sometimes it seems as you just want to shut the door.

Sometimes I feel that it’s something more… well more like someone else.

If you’re not here at night and neither am I there.

Where are you?

If I’m cold at night, well then, who’s keeping you warm?

You say you’re really busy, and I never thought it a lie,

But see…

I have this thing where I tend to reduce time.

1 month is 30 or 31 days.

4 weeks in a month generally.

7 days in a week.

24 hours in a day.

60 mins in an hour.

60 seconds in a minute.

But…

Where do I fit in?

And since my parameter is so minuscule, well where does the rest of it go?

See, this is why I swallow my thoughts and feelings cause my mind will take me on a whole trip where I may or may not be correct.

Maybe it’s all in my mind… that’s what I tell myself.

Just give it some time.

I tell myself that too.

I find gratitude in the smallest things.

A phone call for 2 minutes.

I’m thankful you even answered.

1 text in 4 days.. I’m grateful for that too.

I wish I could swallow your doubt or whatever it is that makes you stay so far away.

But instead I swallow mine, cause tomorrow will be a new day.

A new possibility that maybe, just maybe, the emotions and thoughts that I swallow, won’t come back up and project on all the happiness that I have left.