Love or Lost?

Right now I’m speaking more so to the ladies, but I guess it can also apply to the fellas as well. But I have one question…. is it love or are you lost?

Sometimes we know the situations before we get into them but yet and still we hope, pray, & believe that something will change. (That’s many of us… or at least me 🙋🏾‍♀️) Then there are those times where nothing would have ever been able to prepare you for the things you end up facing.

But is it love or are you lost?

When you know lil pootie was no good, but yet you saw the good in him and thought you could fix him. When you know he had a woman and at first you thought you can handle the situation, but then the sex got so good that you found yourself being #2 waiting for the chance to be #1. When you take him back time and time after he does the same things to you repeatedly. When the answers are in your face clear as day, but instead of accepting what it is, you hold on to potential and to the possibility of what could be.

Is it love or are you lost?

I think there’s a very thin line between being in love and being lost. Because sometimes you can lose yourself in love. Sometimes you can love a person so much that you throw away who you are, just so they’ll love you the same way that you love them, and in a twisted way you feel that if you love them enough it’ll fill in for the love they don’t have for you, or the love that you don’t even have for yourself.

How deep is love? Is there no depth? How much will you endure for love? How much love will you give away before you see that no matter what you do that person will never love you the same???

When you silence your voice so you won’t make them mad by expressing the hurt and pain that you feel. When you put their happiness ahead of your own, while they put everyone’s happiness before yours. When you give and give til you have given everything and have nothing left to give..

Is it love or are you lost?

The little wounded girl in me would say that it’s love, but the woman in me trying to silence the little girl would say that one is lost.

Would love really treat you like that???

Beautiful imperfect mess

To the person who is mentally healthy, they’d never understand the life and thoughts of those who have mental health challenges. They’ll never know how hopeless depression or any other mental illness can leave you feeling.

I look at my last posts and I sometimes feel ashamed. I look at how positive, motivating, and encouraging some of my posts are, how well I’m doing in that moment, and then there’s the posts like the one I made last night. One minute I’m up, the next I’m down.

I feel ashamed because I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to be so high in faith one day then the next so faithless. But one thing I promised when I started this blog is transparency. I stared it with one goal in mind and that was to be myself, to walk in my truth. To uplift others, to show that they aren’t alone in the struggles of this thing called life.

So excuse me if one day I’m an encouragement and on another I’m the opposite. Excuse me if one day I’m living life on the right path and the next day I’m on a total different path not even sure how I got there.

When you read my blogs, I give you the real me. The me at that time.

Yes I struggle with depression. Yes sometimes I feel beautiful, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I see the purpose in life, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I am living a pleasing life, sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m turning away from my sinful nature trying to get this God thing right, sometimes I’m not.

So yes, you will see my ups and you’ll see my downs, but most importantly you’ll see ME. I can’t pretend to be perfect because I’m certainly not. I don’t have it all together. I’m on a journey, one that I’m not quite sure how it’ll turn out, but there’s that little mustard sized seed of faith that keeps me going just a little longer.

Sometimes my mental illness is tucked away nice and neat, folded up properly, locked away in a safe, just waiting for the next strike. And when it strikes… it STRIKES!

I can’t come on here and promise perfect, all I can promise is me… where I am at that day, that moment, that time in life.

Signed,

Erica Marie 💋

What is life?

What is life is a question that I ask myself often. I search for the meaning of it…The purpose of it.

What is life when you can’t even find the reasons to continue? When you feel like a complete failure. When you try and try but no matter what you do, you still can’t seem to get it right?

Everyday that passes I try to find the reasons to keep going. Yes I have kids, but I tell myself that maybe they’d be better off without me. Sometimes I catch my daughter trying to look me in my eyes as though she’s searching for an answer, but I quickly turn my head because looking her in her eyes is too painful and I don’t want her to see the tears.

I’m not even sure what she’d see in my eyes because I feel so dead inside. My dreams, goals, my will…

I have to hold the tears back when I look at my kids because they have no clue how hurt, broken, and damaged their mother is. They have so much happiness in them, but on the flip side all I can think of is how I hardly want to continue on.

It’s like I’ve tried so hard to prove to myself that I’m more than what people think, but the more my life crumbles, the more I start to think that they are right.

I’m nothing. I’ll never be anything. I’ll never do better in life.

I feel like I’ve failed myself and my kids.

I question God. Is he really real? Why would he put me here to bring me more pain than happiness? If he has plans to prosper me and not harm me, why is my life the complete opposite?

I try to have faith, but I’m to the point where I just want to throw in the towel on this God stuff… cause after all I can’t get that right either. I can’t stop sinning. I do for a moment, but I fall right back into it.

God is love they say… well why can’t I feel it? Why is it the ONE thing I have always prayed for, but the one thing I haven’t gotten?

Why must I always give it and always witness the love I pray for in return be given to someone else? 31 years old, 5 kids 4 dads and I’m still alone. But each and everyone of them have someone. I’m okay with that part, but why does no man want me?

Why am I only good to sleep with? But better yet why do I continue to settle for only being good to sleep with? Why is it that I settle for crumbs because the crumbs sometimes feel so much better than being completely alone.

Is this life?

I look back on all the times I’ve picked myself up. All the times that I held on and tried harder. All the times that I’ve bounced back from the cards I was dealt. I’m tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I’m just tired.

I’m trying so hard to find the meaning of life… my life.

So again I ask, what is life??