Chapter 33

Well, guess who is now 33 years young????

Yep, you guessed it….. I AM 🙋🏾‍♀️

August 10… a beautiful star was born.

I kind of took a hiatus from my blog… but I am back and better.

When I tell you, God will work on each of us in HIS own time and in HIS own way. I truly understand how in the Bible it talks about us not being able to change how we want and get the results that we want because we try to do it in our OWN strength, instead of leaning on God.

Trying to do things in my OWN strength, chillleeeee, I hardly got anywhere. Things I wanted to work on changing, I’d always go back to. It was so much harder trying to do it in my strength, but allowing God to work on me and change me, it just started happening. I’d wake up one day and not feel the same about certain things or people.

But let me save all that for another post, y’all know how I get 😂😂😂😂

Anywho, so about this chapter 33.

Whew!!!!!

I don’t really like the way thirty sounds when speaking of age, but I will find the appreciation in it.

I must say that I am blessed to be here. Just me waking up with breath in my lungs is a blessing and I’m forever grateful.

Well, let me get on back to work, I will write a post tonight. I’ve been thinking about so many great topics, but I just had to step back for a while and get my thoughts & life together…

I miss y’all 💋

Younger me VS NOW

The latest tea ☕️

Hey y’all 👋🏾

The past few months have been VERY interesting to say the least. A few losses, a few gains, a few heartbreaking moments, a few moments of wanting to throw in the towel, a few ‘Aha’ moments, a few ‘wtf was I thinking moments’, but nonetheless, I’m still extremely blessed.

That much hasn’t changed.

So where do I start?

Well, on September 25, 2019 I lost my grandma who had been suffering from Alzheimer’s since 2010/2011. Unbeknownst to us, cancer had come back and it turned out to be stage 4. Didn’t find that out until about a week before her passing.

Things ended with the guy I was seeing. That’s a story in and of itself, but lessons learned. Made me have a new list of things I wouldn’t accept. A mamas boy being one of them. 🤦🏾‍♀️ I’ll tell that story another time.

My car broke down and I thought it was the end of the world, but as they say, every loss isn’t a loss, and I have a newer and better car that I am absolutely in love with. And coincidentally, it’s the same make and model of my first car (but newer) that my grandma bought me 🥰

I’ve found motivation that I had lost so long ago. But on the flip side, every level has its own set of devils, and I’ve seemed to have attracted some new devils to play with the devils that already dance around me.

I’m in a peculiar space right now. But I’m taking it all in. A big thing I’m passively working on is Self control. Whewwww. I swear sometimes it seems like I just let self control go out the window… especially emotionally.

But….

I’m starting to see the sunlight of why it never works out in relationships shining through. But it’s not enough to see or realize. I have to do something with the information that I’m processing. So I guess you can say, I’m in the lab right now. Going through construction. Doing some renovations in my life. Not just romantically, but all around.

However, I’m hopeful… today at least.

I realize that I still have a ways to go. More lessons to learn. And most importantly, I have to give myself the love that I try to give others and desire for others to give me. I have to be the one to make Erica happy. No one else can do that job….

Well, that’s about it in a nutshell.

I hope all of you are doing well. I hope that as we close out this year we will all shed some baggage and old habits. I hope that we will all have gotten something out of this year that we can take into the new year that will benefit us tremendously.

What have you been up to? Comment and let me know 😉

Fuck you!!

I gave you all me

And look what you did.

Every single part of me,

Nothing was hid.

I loved you more than you loved you.

I even loved you more than I loved me.

And I was ok with that.

But you soon made me regret it.

Now the pain that you caused,

I’ll never forget it.

I told you I didn’t wanna be hurt no more.

You promised me that you wouldn’t.

I had so much faith in you,

I believed that you couldn’t.

But….

I was blind.

Love can really make you lose your mind.

But as the days go by,

I’m healing.

I’m no longer dealing,

With your bullshit.

I’m no longer dealing,

With the emotional abuse.

You had a good woman,

But you lost her too.

And I’m so damn happy.

To be free from you.

I guess what I’m really trying to say,

Is

FUCK YOU!!!!

To no one…. just came to my mind 😁

Fulfillment

The more I continue on this journey called life, the more I try to find fulfillment, but the more I come up short.

One chapter in the Bible that constantly comes to mind is Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless, or so it seems to be.

Everything that I think makes me happy is really only temporary, because when the happiness wears off, there I am still on the search for this dream called fulfillment.

And though I know that happiness is a journey and not a destination, I still look forward to the day where I will be truly happy & complete.

But what does that look like??

Honestly I have the slightest idea.

I can’t even form a picture in my mind or a feeling in my body.

So many things that I thought would fulfill me only leave me feeling empty.

Like time has paused but the world still goes on.

A darkness, a void, a big black hole.

And if I’m lucky enough, some days I can see the sun shining, but before I can see my way out, the darkness overtakes me.

I try to climb out, but when I’m halfway there, there’s someone or something waiting to knock me back down.

With their words, their half jokes & half truths, their opinions, their thoughts, their judgments.

Such a harsh reality.

Unsolicited advice on what you should do, as if you haven’t had those talks with yourself a million times.

Sure you know WHAT to do, it’s the HOW that kills you slow.

And while you try to figure out the how, life is still forging ahead.

You stay committed to familiarity, but run away from anything that threatens its place in your life.

Like the rhythms of a day, so is your life.

As the sun rises, so does your hope, but as the sun sets, so does your reality.

This fulfillment thing, it can’t be bought. You can’t find it on a shelf. You can’t find it in another. You can’t drink it, you can’t eat it, & every time you think you’re close to obtaining it, life has a way of showing you that you’re not even close.

Damn.

Late night Introspection

Funny how God gets your attention. Also funny how he will choose to do so at the most craziest times. Well tonight, I guess God had a little extra free time. I was laying in bed and for the life of me I just could not sleep. It was hot, I couldn’t get comfortable, sleep just wasn’t happening. So you know what comes next right?

Yep. Thoughts….

For a moment it was like I was seeing myself for who I was or shall I say for who I am.

Not want to be. Not going to be. Not trying to be. Not working towards becoming, but for who I am right now at this present time… & I must say…. I wasn’t too pleased.

Actually I think I had been giving myself a little too much credit.

I saw some things about me that I didn’t like. Things I need to change. Habits I need to break. Things I need to start. Adjustments I need to make.

God never ceases to amaze me. He is so strategic. He knows just how to get your attention at the right time. He knows how to get you in a quiet place where you can hear his voice and know it’s him. Where he can open your eyes and you’ll actually receive what he’s saying.

I’m thankful for this experience tonight. Now, it’s time to put this thing in action.

Erica, get on your sh*t…. NOTE TO SELF!

Thank ya God, good looking out 😉

Today I swallowed

Today I swallowed.

I closed my eyes and swallowed when I really wanted to spit.

I wanted to spit out all that was in my heart.

I swallowed that scream from the pit of my soul that tried to rise as the tears fell.

I swallowed the words I wanted to say.

I swallowed the emotions that I felt.

I tried to force them away.

I swallowed my thoughts that tried to take over.

The thoughts that tried to make sense, of the common sense, I think I swallowed so long ago.

I know they say communication is key, but I rather just swallow the whole conversation cause I don’t know what the key will unlock.

See, I fear that you’ll take my concerns as me nagging or complaining.

So I’ve learned to just swallow all that I sometimes want to say.

When thoughts creep in my mind that questions everything that I see, I swallow those thoughts cause I don’t want to disturb my reality.

I put on my rose colored glasses that allows me to see only the beauty, cause I’m afraid of the things I’d see without them.

I question the love you say you have for me cause I can’t quite put a finger on it.

It’s like I’m feeling for it through the dark and I keep bumping into things, but none of them is your heart.

I love you and I have to love me twice as hard, cause if I love me enough I’ll possibly feel the love for me that I wish I could feel from you.

But I never a say a word. Yep I swallow that too.

When I’m alone in bed at night I wish you were next to me.

Such a distance between you and I.

I try to close it, you open it more.

Sometimes it seems as you just want to shut the door.

Sometimes I feel that it’s something more… well more like someone else.

If you’re not here at night and neither am I there.

Where are you?

If I’m cold at night, well then, who’s keeping you warm?

You say you’re really busy, and I never thought it a lie,

But see…

I have this thing where I tend to reduce time.

1 month is 30 or 31 days.

4 weeks in a month generally.

7 days in a week.

24 hours in a day.

60 mins in an hour.

60 seconds in a minute.

But…

Where do I fit in?

And since my parameter is so minuscule, well where does the rest of it go?

See, this is why I swallow my thoughts and feelings cause my mind will take me on a whole trip where I may or may not be correct.

Maybe it’s all in my mind… that’s what I tell myself.

Just give it some time.

I tell myself that too.

I find gratitude in the smallest things.

A phone call for 2 minutes.

I’m thankful you even answered.

1 text in 4 days.. I’m grateful for that too.

I wish I could swallow your doubt or whatever it is that makes you stay so far away.

But instead I swallow mine, cause tomorrow will be a new day.

A new possibility that maybe, just maybe, the emotions and thoughts that I swallow, won’t come back up and project on all the happiness that I have left.

Don’t expect YOU out of someone else.

Not expecting ME out of the person in my life is one lesson I guess I am still learning.

A very tough lesson. And quite unfair if I must say.

It’s hard to just accept the actions of another person who claims to love you, when you know if it were you, your actions would be very different.

It’s hard to accept the actions of another person when you have given them your all. Every part of you. Pieces of you that you didn’t even know existed. Pieces that you had to reach deep within yourself to pull up…

But. You. Did. It!

It’s hard to accept the “I’m busy”, when if it were you, you don’t care how busy you were, you would create the time for that person.

It’s hard to accept I don’t want to be bothered, when on the other hand that one person lights up your world and you can’t even imagine the day you wouldn’t feel like being bothered by them.

It’s hard to accept the no when damn near any and everything they ask of you is yes.

It’s hard to accept that no matter how big and pure your heart may be, they’re heart don’t pump the same as yours.

It’s hard to accept that they will probably never love you the way you love them. It’s hard to accept that you just have to deal with it.

We enter into relationships thinking and expecting our partner to treat us just as good as we treat them, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. And unfortunately it’s pretty fucked up.

Long story short, don’t expect the YOU out of someone else!!!