Own your sh*t!!!

Heyyyyy y’all!!! Happy mfn 2021!!!! How has 2021 been treating you so far??? Has she been good to you? Has she been a little b*tch? She been iight?? Let me know down below..

As for me….. let’s see. She came in with that bullsh*t but my best friend God said “AHT AHT! Don’t you start that foolishness!” And guess what??? She decided to chill on out.

And for the super deep churchy folk, I love God and still use a lil curse words here and there, and there, and over there, around there, and under there too… and guess what??? God still loves me the same. In this season, he isn’t focused on my cursing, cause Lord knows I got bigger fish to put on in the frying pan! Just thought I’d put that out there….

Anywho… God had to get little miss 2021 together real quick like hunni! Which has placed this specific topic on my spirit… which is, OWN YOUR SH*T!!!

I mean, to be honest, with the picture above I could just drop the mic and end it there, but y’all know I love to go in on a thing! So let’s get to it!

See, I know in the past I’ve spoken about holding self accountable for certain things that has happened in my life, and to a certain degree, I was, but with the light God has been shining in my life, babbyyyyy, I was still having that victim mentality. In other words, it’s safe to say I wasn’t truly accepting accountability. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I really did think I was though. I guess it just sounded good.

However what I’ve learned is that you cannot own your sh*t and still play a victim, pointing fingers at others at the same time. Like there’s just no way you can possibly do it.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t take away the fact that yes, others may have really wronged you. They may have hurt you. They may have done some jacked up mess to you. But when you FULLY own your sh*t you are able to say, you know what, I played a role in the situation as well. And you can then begin to be honest with yourself, and only then can you truly learn the lesson and pass the test. Cause let’s be honest, until you learn the lesson you will get the same test over and over and over again.

Let me give you an example. So… if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that I haven’t always had the best luck with men and relationships 😬 hell, any luck to be completely honest. Before God opened my eyes completely, I used to say, yea, I allowed it to happen. I ignored the warnings blah blah blah, but I STILL pointed the finger at the guys. I still looked at it as if they were the worst people in the world for what they did to me, or shall I say, for what I allowed them to do to me.

I would still feel hurt. Bitter. Angry about what THEY did. I wasn’t fully owning my sh*t and being accountable. However now, I have this peace over me. It really doesn’t hurt the way it once did, because I am able to see much more clearer. Like fool! You bought half of the ish on yourself! Like for real for real. If I had some respect for myself, I wouldn’t have even wound up locking anything more than eyes with them people. If I valued myself, they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to even get a chance to hurt me.

I wouldn’t have even given them the time of the day. I am able to now, fully see how it has been me all along. And with that epiphany I am able to move to the next chapter and that is true healing!! That is when you can fully, authentically own your sh*t!!! That is when you are able to navigate things differently. That is when you are able to begin to really let that hurt go.. you know why?? Because you are no longer a damn victim and you’ll see that, 9 times out of 10, them people ain’t do hardly shit half as bad as what you did to your own damn self!

It all starts with you!!

So if you’re like the Erica I was, not too long ago, thinking you are taking accountability, owning your sh*t but you still pointing fingers, nahhhh baby, you still got a ways to go! Turn around and try it again.

I promise you. When you fully own your sh*t, a peace like no other will come over you and that sh*t them people did to you, will seem so small. Like, no it doesn’t erase what happened, but it will no longer hurt you the way it once did. You won’t look at them the way you once did. You won’t sit there and cry them victim tears that you once did. You won’t sit there and tell everybody with an ear willing to listen, what so and so did to you, cause you will see that, 9 times out of 10, in order for them to have done the mess they did, YOU allowed it!! You played just a big of a role as they did. They were doing it to you and you were right there along side them, doing it to your own self as well. Y’all were a team.

So, I dare you to look inward and really be brave enough to own your sh*t. You gotta put your big girl panties on. Them sexy panties, not the granny or that time of the month panties. This may not happen in one day. It may take time. But when you get it, sis, it will change your whole narrative and perspective.

And to my fellas who read my blog also, my apologies. I know y’all don’t wear panties, well, I don’t think you do. But, If you do, then that’s your business. But I’m sure you all are mature enough to still get the message that I am conveying, minus the panties 🤣

I love you all, and I pray that this will be a great year. A year of enlightenment. A year of success. A year of understanding. A year filled with blessings. I pray for peace for each and everyone of you.

I am currently working on a few things, but I won’t announce what specifically just yet. Just know, you won’t be disappointed.

I know it’s cliche, but New Year, New Me!!! Allow me to reintroduce myself 🖤😎🙈

IT’S THE NEW ME FOR ME…

Men like my father..

This one thing has been heavy on my spirit. Throughout my day I come up with so many amazing blog topics, but at times I just can’t formulate the words to say…

However, today, I GOT TIME!

Studies have shown that a woman is likely to grow up and choose men like their fathers.

For some, that’s a wonderful & beautiful thing. Yet for others, it’s like having the same dream over and over again.

I reflect on the choices of men I’ve allowed in my life, & the choices I somehow seem to keep allowing. Sadly, they are every bit of my father…

Unavailable & not there.

I knew my dad, but at the same time I didn’t. See, every few years he’d drop by. He’d visit whenever it was convenient. He’d be around just long enough to put a smile on my face and just like the wind, there he was…. gone. Out of sight & I out of his mind.

And just like the men I choose, there he is.

It’s like subconsciously I’ve made a pact that I will only give my time to men who aren’t there. Unavailable. Distant. Temporary. Those who put me last. That’s my familiar.

Men who have excuses on why they can’t do something…. the infamous busy excuse. & if I could bet my last dollar, I’m sure that’s the excuse my dad would have given or maybe even did give if and when the topic came up about when I would see him again.

Life can be an unfair little bitch if you ask me. I mean, it’s like life sometimes has a way of purposefully handing you the scissors to cut open the same wounds over and over and over again, until you bleed out to the point of lifelessness.

Lord knows I don’t want to keep meeting my dad all over again. Lord knows I don’t want to relive through the time when I moved back with my grandma, & he had moved in with his girl friend and her children, & her daughters would tell me how much MY dad loved them, how he would do anything for them. Like let me say that again, MY DAD!

I didn’t realize that shit then, but as I got older it really fucked with me. How could you go wife another bitch and her daughters but your real flesh and blood daughter, you never really made the time or room for. And just like that, I choose men who choose others. And just like the little fatherless girl, I stick around hoping they’d choose me…yet they never really do.

The irony…..

If only I could be set free from the curse of my path being destined to meet men like my father…

Acceptance

Acceptance is one area in life that I have rebelled against, but no matter how hard I rebel, it still doesn’t change a thing.

I love to look up the actual meaning of words, so while looking for the definition, I had a difficult time finding one in which I was satisfied with and felt on a personal level. But then I came across this specific definition…

Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it.”

As I sit here and ruminate on this particular break down of the word acceptance, I see how the lack-thereof, has made my life a little more difficult than what it actually should be.

See, acceptance is something that I find myself fighting with. Something that causes conflict in my life. Something that causes me to question myself…

A very specific area that buffets me (to strike repeatedly) is having to accept when things don’t turn out how I envisioned them. When the people I gave my loyalty to didn’t show the same in return. When the people I gave my heart to & had hoped they’d stay, ended up walking away. Accepting that when something is over, that’s just what it is, wether you agree with the decision or not. When someone treats you badly and you search for the reason why, but have to just accept that not everyone is a person of integrity and that sometimes, people just do fucked up shit. Sometimes fucked up shit just happens, and there really is no valid explanation.

Perhaps if me and this acceptance thing had a better relationship, I could have saved myself from so much heartache and heartbreak. Maybe I could’ve saw things for what they were worth instead of internalizing it all, but realizing that things happen but it doesn’t mean that I’m not valuable.

But as I sit here tonight, I keep repeating the serenity prayer out loud….

And each tine I repeat it, it renews my strength and forces me to see that, this thing called life is full of unexpectedness. So, to have any type sanity and peace, ACCEPTANCE is something that you ABSOLUTELY must learn to exercise in life..

What are some things you have a hard time accepting?? Talk to ya girl 🖤

Chapter 33

Well, guess who is now 33 years young????

Yep, you guessed it….. I AM 🙋🏾‍♀️

August 10… a beautiful star was born.

I kind of took a hiatus from my blog… but I am back and better.

When I tell you, God will work on each of us in HIS own time and in HIS own way. I truly understand how in the Bible it talks about us not being able to change how we want and get the results that we want because we try to do it in our OWN strength, instead of leaning on God.

Trying to do things in my OWN strength, chillleeeee, I hardly got anywhere. Things I wanted to work on changing, I’d always go back to. It was so much harder trying to do it in my strength, but allowing God to work on me and change me, it just started happening. I’d wake up one day and not feel the same about certain things or people.

But let me save all that for another post, y’all know how I get 😂😂😂😂

Anywho, so about this chapter 33.

Whew!!!!!

I don’t really like the way thirty sounds when speaking of age, but I will find the appreciation in it.

I must say that I am blessed to be here. Just me waking up with breath in my lungs is a blessing and I’m forever grateful.

Well, let me get on back to work, I will write a post tonight. I’ve been thinking about so many great topics, but I just had to step back for a while and get my thoughts & life together…

I miss y’all 💋

Younger me VS NOW

The latest tea ☕️

Hey y’all 👋🏾

The past few months have been VERY interesting to say the least. A few losses, a few gains, a few heartbreaking moments, a few moments of wanting to throw in the towel, a few ‘Aha’ moments, a few ‘wtf was I thinking moments’, but nonetheless, I’m still extremely blessed.

That much hasn’t changed.

So where do I start?

Well, on September 25, 2019 I lost my grandma who had been suffering from Alzheimer’s since 2010/2011. Unbeknownst to us, cancer had come back and it turned out to be stage 4. Didn’t find that out until about a week before her passing.

Things ended with the guy I was seeing. That’s a story in and of itself, but lessons learned. Made me have a new list of things I wouldn’t accept. A mamas boy being one of them. 🤦🏾‍♀️ I’ll tell that story another time.

My car broke down and I thought it was the end of the world, but as they say, every loss isn’t a loss, and I have a newer and better car that I am absolutely in love with. And coincidentally, it’s the same make and model of my first car (but newer) that my grandma bought me 🥰

I’ve found motivation that I had lost so long ago. But on the flip side, every level has its own set of devils, and I’ve seemed to have attracted some new devils to play with the devils that already dance around me.

I’m in a peculiar space right now. But I’m taking it all in. A big thing I’m passively working on is Self control. Whewwww. I swear sometimes it seems like I just let self control go out the window… especially emotionally.

But….

I’m starting to see the sunlight of why it never works out in relationships shining through. But it’s not enough to see or realize. I have to do something with the information that I’m processing. So I guess you can say, I’m in the lab right now. Going through construction. Doing some renovations in my life. Not just romantically, but all around.

However, I’m hopeful… today at least.

I realize that I still have a ways to go. More lessons to learn. And most importantly, I have to give myself the love that I try to give others and desire for others to give me. I have to be the one to make Erica happy. No one else can do that job….

Well, that’s about it in a nutshell.

I hope all of you are doing well. I hope that as we close out this year we will all shed some baggage and old habits. I hope that we will all have gotten something out of this year that we can take into the new year that will benefit us tremendously.

What have you been up to? Comment and let me know 😉

Fuck you!!

I gave you all me

And look what you did.

Every single part of me,

Nothing was hid.

I loved you more than you loved you.

I even loved you more than I loved me.

And I was ok with that.

But you soon made me regret it.

Now the pain that you caused,

I’ll never forget it.

I told you I didn’t wanna be hurt no more.

You promised me that you wouldn’t.

I had so much faith in you,

I believed that you couldn’t.

But….

I was blind.

Love can really make you lose your mind.

But as the days go by,

I’m healing.

I’m no longer dealing,

With your bullshit.

I’m no longer dealing,

With the emotional abuse.

You had a good woman,

But you lost her too.

And I’m so damn happy.

To be free from you.

I guess what I’m really trying to say,

Is

FUCK YOU!!!!

To no one…. just came to my mind 😁